I’d like you to take the stand, Mr. McNeil.

I looked up from my legal pad at the judge. Me, your honor?

Please, she said.

But I’m not on trial here.

Literally, I’ll be the judge of that, she said. Take the stand.

I stood up and looked at her. But, your honor . . .

She pointed at me. Then she pointed at the witness box.

I walked a little unsteadily around counsel’s table and toward the box. Raise your right hand, said the clerk. I stopped walking and raised my right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Sure, I said, and walked to the witness box and sat down.

Mr. McNeil, said the judge, how long have you been practicing elder law.

A little more than 20 years.

In that time, how many guardianship petitions have you drafted and filed?

A lot, your honor. I don’t know how many.

I’ll get back to that. Now I’m going to name four animals, and then I’m going to ask you to recall those four animals later. OK?

What?

Panda. Ostrich. Wolf. Otter.

I looked at her.

So you don’t know how many guardianship petitions that you’ve drafted and filed.

No, your honor.

Is it safe to say that in every one of those however many petitions, you allege that the respondent is incapacitated.

Yes, your honor. Every petition needs to make a case for incapacity.

Isn’t it true that a couple of weeks ago, you placed an oven glove on a hot stove burner and it almost caught fire?

How did you . . . .

And a couple of weeks before that, you washed out the slow cooker and put it on that same burner, which was still hot?

The whole bottom of it melted your honor. It was a mess.

My clerk tells me that you’ve been late filing guardian reports and accountings recently.

There’s a lot of different reasons for that, your honor.

Is one of them that you forget to calendar the deadlines.

I’m not going to say that it never happens, your honor, but that doesn’t happen much.

Give me those four animals.

Your honor?

I’ll spot you one: wolf

I couldn’t remember any of them. Did I ever tell you that I saw some wolves up in the Wallowas, your honor.

The animals, Mr. McNeil.

I don’t remember them.

How would you assess your own capacity, Mr. McNeil.

Not like it used to be.

And yet . . .

Yes, your honor, and yet I represent clients in so many cases in which we need to prove to you that a person can’t make decisions safely.

Do you ever wonder how you would stand up to the scrutiny of family members, neighbors, adult protective services investigators, court investigators, police and doctors and nurses?

I do, your honor.

How do you think that you would stand up to that level of scrutiny?